Yesterday’s blog was about my journey around my weight and sexuality. Today is about what’s next.

Cuz what this process is really about? Making peace with myself. Not just chasing breakthroughs kinds of peace like I did so much was when I was in a much higher place of activation.

What do I mean by activation? I was living in soooooo much incredible anxiety all the time like since when that car “killed” me at age two. I’ve written about that in another blog post. My approach was to create all sorts of self rules an attempt to clamp down on that shit. I also journaled like a motherfucker like I talked about in my post about hypervigilant journaling. And I talked how I also write scripts like a motherfucker. Yes. I love the word “motherfucker” cuz it’s such a magical swear word with how it slips off the tongue with such force. Very nice.

I digress.

And I talk about how my writing like a wild woman helped change my definition of punk. I talk about in this blog post: It’s fucking punk rock to go all in and strive for mastery. Cuz phoning it in is about outsourcing your agency to existing power structures? Why? When you’re at war with yourself? Dude: You’re very easy to manipulate. And you see this a lot with people held up as “STARS” in Hollywood. I wrote about this in my blog post talking about the model behind the movie SUNSET BOULEVARD is very much alive and well. Some of this was also further in the seedier side of Hollywood.

I’m sure that you may all remember hearing about Tom Cruise having a meltdown on set during COVID. Did you ever stop to consider that millions upon millions upon millions of dollars are all betting on his name alone? Just his name. Talk about pressure. Nope. People just commented about his stressed behavior. Lots of money is made off selling the idea of “stars behaving badly.”

What does that have to do my body and sexuality? See… It’s long pissed me off when people reduced me to just my looks. Cuz I’m highly accomplished to put it mildly. Not in a “let’s show off” sort of way… Sitting my ass for the sake of sitting on my ass is unacceptable to me. If that’s how you want to live your life? Go on with yourself… I’ve got shit to do.

If you listen to society’s programming, you’d think it was only men reducing me down to my tits and ass. Sure. I regularly get cat calls. But in every day life? It’s women, My mom calls it the “biological imperative” cuz I’m competition. I also know that I need a lot more than just my tits to get me ahead in the world cuz they will always drop. This is unless I live on a plastic surgeon’s table to “get me that man” and “keep me that man” that drives so much bad behavior from women. This is still a deal despite multiple waves of “feminism.” No thanks for that.

So?

I negotiated my divorce to ensure that I kept my assets instead of them going to pay lawyer fees. Yes. I could have legally ended up with more than I chose. But dudes? Why? I can always make more money. AND it’s not so easy to get back integrity once it’s been compromised.

I’ve also been systematically figured out my next steps. I wrote about what SOME of what I went through in my blog about being a Stepdford wife to now. The thing that I didn’t mention in that blog was the first night after I left with only things able to fit in my car… I slept on a couch. After being in a big house with an indoor swimming, tennis court, and my own office? It fucking felt like Nirvana. The enormity of what I did came on line the next day. But dudes? That first night of a borrowed couch and some boxes??? Awesome.

I’m also using gaffer’s tape to hold up one of my car door windows cuz I just don’t give a fuck about fancy cars. The engine runs just fine. Sure. There will come the sad day when I finally get rid of my trooper of a car. But in the meantime? I love it.

My obsessive drive to write the “perfect” script has paid off… I’ve finally found the right combination for my 3 WISHES story. More on that in another blog post.

I’m also slowly but surely working on the process to get down to my regular weight and build up my body. It’s getting easier and easier to do this now that I’m getting “online.” This is where my emotions are grounded enough to be a part of my life rather than running my entire “show.” It’s still very much a process. I’m absolutely grateful for this space to be able to work through what I’ve been working cuz it’s been a lifetime of stuff.

As for the “getting a man” and “keeping a man,” I’m letting go of old societal ideals about what relationships should “look like.” Cuz dudes? I’ve learned the absolute value of space to be able to clean up my shit instead of that knee jerk drive to lock things down immediately. This allows me to love on my partner rather than using him to regulate my nervous system or I “caretake” him instead of enjoy him. Why this distinction? If I caretake, I’m essentially saying that I don’t trust you to take care of yourself. This might have been fine in my 20s or 30s or even 40s except I’m now considering men my age or older. So? He’s had the opportunity to do some living. My guess is that he’s probably learned a thing or two about caring for himself by now. If I go in assuming that I must “caretake?” I’d be hijacking his process instead of coming together like two sovereign adults with agency wanting to flourish.

Now that my heart has spoken? My ex-husband Richard said something that is really important: If you want to have the woman of your dreams, you’ve got to be the man of hers. He used the example of getting rid of “Star Wars” sheets for a bed. I realized that not taking care of myself means that I’m not anyone’s dreams including my own.

So? I’m embracing space right now to slow walk instead of anxiety driving everything for I trust in current processes. Like wow like as in an absolute ton.. I’ve reached the point of rambling except I’ll say that being able to see my own process where I’m able to connect a lot of my blogs means that my “coming online” is true integration for my conscious mind is catching up with my subconscious mind. LOVE IT!!

As always: Have a glamorous day for fun!!

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