Bonus Blog!!

Hello Dudes!

I was trying to clever by putting together a blog about moving forward in all areas of my life with this morning’s blog.

And?

I realized that my comments about my future relationship or relationships was coming from a “spitball” place rather than a “locked and loaded” with no allowances for others or their processes.

Cuz I’ll be honest…

The idea of a relationship between two consenting adults with agency where we support each other to grow sounds amazing. AND it’s also possible.

It also scares the shit out of me cuz I’ve never had that kind of relationship.

I’ve mostly been a caretaker at the expense of my entire person. My bigger pattern is to give well beyond my own capacity to the point of self-erasure. Yes. A healthy relationship includes a balance of give and take cuz you’re both pulling in the greater good for all involved.

But? Social conditioning is you must give and keep giving and you are selfish if you ask for your own needs in any way. I know that there’s all sorts of language that this is only unique to women. Um, ladies? How do you think men pay for those dates or houses or whatever else they provide? Did you ever consider that he may want a day all to himself for music or fishing or whatever strikes his fancy rather than burning himself to the ground to provide those material things?

I know that I’ll get pushback from feminists. But a big complaint in their language is wanting to make the same money as men. This says to me that men are only valued for the money they bring to the table. Like literally? Earning capacity is the only thing that matters when it comes to partners or spouses?

Such bullshit.

I also know that I may not make the same money as a man in the same position. There are far more factors involved than just the position’s expectations. And collapsing it all to be able to be able to sing the hymn of the victim to make women look “weak” like Cathy Newman does with Jordan Peterson in this interview? Women don’t need to outsource their oppression to the patriarchy – they do it to themselves. Just ask Cathy here.

Yup. Just like it was me burning myself out in my relationships regardless of what my partners did. Cuz my responsibility here is to not demonize my old partners. Why? This allows me to sit on my ass and not take responsibility. Sure. I delude myself into thinking myself solely the victim if I want to remain stuck repeating behavior patterns that I know for a fact don’t serve me or healthy relationships.

Okay. I’ll breathe now.

And yes!

I have no clue what I’m doing when it comes to relationships.

So?

I first took Annie Lalla‘s love class before I started Layla Martin‘s class. Both women are awesome! They both advocate our own rigorous honesty with ourselves to be better partners. As Layla’s class is about coaching, she also wants people coaching from lived experience rather than only an intellectualization of said experiences. Absolutely love this!

I also attempted a little online dating following the finalization of my divorce. Gee? One dude showed himself in a photo with a guitar. As I’m excited about my own music projects, I followed up. He no longer plays and told me about editing movies. I followed up in what editing program cuz I know how to use three. He says he no longer edits. Um? What do you do with your life and what the fuck with the false advertising? Others gave me waves ever the classic “GM.” While still others? Talked about settling in to devote their lives to their grandkids with no other activities listed. We also can’t forget about the dude with the meltdown cuz I didn’t respond in less than ten minutes. Others talked a lot about hiking. Two Moon Park is about as wild as I go.

And since I don’t drink? Trying to make conversations with dudes that do is about as exciting as watching paint dry. This is also true of the dudes wanting to smoke pot all day. We also can’t forget about folks only looking for human vibrators. Younger guys still have kids at home. Still others tried to impress me by explaining how they date married people. Can’t forget the guy wanting to know if I scream in bed while he was in a relationship. Yes. This was out of the blue. Can’t forget to mention how he yelled this through the kitchen at work.

Another dude wasn’t interested in dating. The kind of relationship that he wanted was for me to be a creative partner. I was excited about this cuz I’m always looking for creative collaborators. Turns out? He wanted to dump a project on me that he had mismanaged for him to leave the country with a clear conscious. I cleaned it up and sent his other collaborators on their way with resources.

Yes. I also read The Ethical Slut cuz the dating world has changed a lot a lot a lot since I was last in it over 16 years ago. So, I employed its approach of doing what I do best: Be direct. Yes. It was scary to be so blunt with someone. BUT BUT BUT I’m grateful that I did it. I have no clue how this will turn out except there’s no rush. Really and truly. Work your process since I’m working mine. And letting things build up in head is like a shadow: Fear makes them look bigger than in real life. I speak from experience here.

Most of these experiences happened in lovely Billings. Honestly? I learned an absolute ton. It’s also totally fine that those men are the way they are. I’d rather know up front what’s happening than be left guessing cuz Billings is a VERY SMALL TOWN. I’m not as worried in bigger cities cuz you have room to breathe in them. That’s why used to I tell guys on date three about me having bipolar and complex PTSD if it didn’t come up sooner. I figure that’s long enough to get a sense of someone without so long that I feel my time is wasted if it turns out that they only live in stigma world. My ex-husband Richard and I had this conversation at the Snake Pit on Melrose in Los Angeles. I may not drink except I love dive bars.

Yes. I’m more than rambling cuz I’m trying to wrap my head around dating and future relationships. This is especially since Billings lacks the infrastructure for year round filmmaking like I talk about in my blog about my contract with the Montana Film Commission Office.

So much to sort.. In the meantime?

I need to clean my apartment.

As always: Have a glamorous day for fun.

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