This is picture is from Paris is 2022 when Richard and I went to Cannes for MY APOCALYPTIC THANKSGIVING. As it was at the tail of the possible lockdowns, we went to Paris early in case of any quarantines before going to the Entre 2 Marches Film Festival. Yup. That’s the Eiffel Tower behind me.

What does that picture have to do with my headline? I was more than 80 pounds more than my current weight. Still? Like what the fuck… STOP CIRCLING!?!

Yup. See… It used to be that skinny people were considered “poor” cuz it meant they didn’t have enough money for food. But now? Heavy people are now considered ugly and not taking for themselves. No. I’m going to get on a soapbox about fat shaming.

Cuz dude??? I’ve been on all sides of that.

And? I know I have no fucking clue about what is actually going on with someone simply by looking at them. So? I’d rather meet people where they’re at rather than imposing any beliefs on them.

For that idea that heavy people are considered “ugly?” That’s a big lie that I told myself. How so? My sexual molestations and assaults began during childhood. How come? Trust in institutions, authorities, and “family friends” used to be significantly higher than now. That’s how much bad shit happened to us folks. And since we weren’t supposed to question ANY authority as a whole?

So? I assumed that there was something wrong with me rather than the “authority” in question. And as a girl born in the early 70s? There was a ton of social programming around thin being the only standard for beauty. I turned to food. I’ve talked about my relationship with cake in an earlier blog. Cuz if I probably thought being “fat” would stop the sexual attention and more importantly – the sexual assaults and molestations. No. I don’t recall any one moment where I went “A HA! LET ME EAT CAKE!!”

It sort of just happened. And I couldn’t figure out that despite being heavy that I still drew unwanted sexual attention for any sexual attention felt disconcerting since I couldn’t reconcile the feelings around my own sexuality and others imposing their sexuality on me. This created such a disconnect. BUT BUT BUT Richard taught me something super valuable in our marriage: I’m still beautiful and sexy despite not being a size 0. And that helped me to start my process of losing that extra weight. I’ll also be honest this created massive cognitive dissonance cuz how could I be sexy and attractive when I’ve been told for decades that heaviness SAID TO BE a character defect?

I have no doubt that lie about weight being connected to my integrity set me up to fail and blow up my shit: How could you possibly want me? I’m fucking fat!?! After all? Isn’t that supposed to protect me from all the pain associated with sex since I had experienced a ton of pain around it rather than only just pleasure? Do you also know what was a massive source of pain? All my bracing from the cognitive disconnect for I’ve always attracted both men and women regardless of my weight cuz most folks don’t have ill intent. It’s about having fun rather than how my mind let some “bad apples” color EVERYONE instead of letting those folks with crappy behaviors own their own shit. Like dude? I was walking yesterday in what I call “the world’s largest coat” and my mom’s favorite hat and some dude yelled sexual comments out his car window at me.

Yup. Things like this happen to me on the regular since I’ve been a girl. BUT NOW? And even now that I’m gearing up to lose my extra weight??? I’ve let go of the bullshit lie that heavy people can’t be pretty or sexy for the real deal: I’ve almost always have had curves that won’t quit.

Why yes… I’m now starting to think of my curves as a badge of honor to be celebrated and enjoyed. Like how fun?? RIGHT!! How positively fun is to be a fully embodied woman? Very.

As always: Have a glamorous day for fun!!

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