Happy Tuesday!

Yup. Round Two for Today. And it’s my normal posting day…

I can boil down why my marriage didn’t work into a single sentence: Disconnect over long term goals for life and factors beyond our control that had massive impact on our lives… Fresh love doesn’t always take this into consideration when you have zombies on your wedding cake. Yes. We had a magical wedding with tables named after locations in our favorite movies. Our grand entrance was done to the Star Wars Imperial March. Talk about one of the best days of my life. Richard made that happen despite being up to eyeballs in bullshit that I didn’t know about until well after the fact.

We lived in a big house with a pool and tennis court. Here’s the thing: It was at the top of South Central in an active gang neighborhood. Yup. Someone was murdered in front of our house. LAPD later found gunshell casings. They also let me know that stolen cars were parked in front of our house after a stalker broke out my office window. I know from other places that those are just the cost of city living. The hardest cost for me in cities is their noise. After you’ve lived in places like Montana with real silence? The difference is huge.

And it ate away at me along with the beautiful designer purses that I was given. Huh? I joke about becoming a fashionista except my idea is more Rocky Mountain Pearls with my Punisher T-shirt, western skirt or yoga pants, and Chuck Taylors. It definitely wasn’t Michael Kors bags.

BUT BUT BUT I want to be clear: Michael Kors has fun bags: for someone else. This is also true of Hilton Brunches – they don’t need my business cuz there are plenty of others wanting to be there. Go with my blessings. I’d rather have meals where I get cranberries on the wall while cooking. Yes. This just happened during this Thanksgiving. You should have also seen the floor after I was done peeling the sweet potatoes.

I digress.

Back to my marriage… We did an incredible thing: Make an entire feature film from scratch. Yup. MY APOCALYPTIC THANKSGIVING. (MAT) Can you believe it? Here’s the thing: I can. Neither Richard nor I shy away from hard work. Heck. He had a heart attack during post-production. We kept going. Our film went on to win best script and best actor at the 2022 Entr’2 Marches Film Festival in Cannes. I truly love that festival: Their festivals individuals with disabilities being part of every day life on their own terms. MAT even went onto stream on 11 platforms with DVDs at Walmart.

Making that movie also took a massive toll: 12 years of our lives and a ton of turmoil. The combo impacted us different: Richard wanted to settle into the rest of his life. I was so excited that I put together 12 short films. Huh. One for each year of MAT. Each and every single one of those shorts was a dumpster fire. My favorite to this day is still PIECE OF MEAT. Byron Vasquez, Jr. is hysterical in a way that connects with me. It’s that mainstream humor isn’t funny to me. Byron was so funny that it took everything within me to not burst out laughing and destroy the shot. Richard thought the short was a mess during its first rough cut EXCEPT he told me of an entire feature film built around it. A cool part? It was similar to what I had in mind. This means that my short landed.

Here’s the other part about being in a big house like that: there came a time when I needed to do a big job to pay the bills. I started as a temp at a country club then moved onto high end real estate. Dude. I was so out of place. It was absolutely tough work except I much preferred making up chicken jokes while taking care of adults with special needs. Yes. Our feature MAT lands with so many people is cuz Richard drew from over 20 years of caring for them to write the script. I was also the perfect complement for I’ve done things like helped train law enforcement on how to help individuals with developmental disabilities, mental illness and/or addictions during a crisis. MAT is really a love letter to them and their caregivers. Many of the adults with special needs in our care had been abandoned to the government by their families. It was so heartbreaking.

So when I left my marriage: I ended up being a job coach to a young woman with special needs. We worked at drug store and joke about stuff animals twerking when straightening the shelves. She wants to be a singer. So, she sang the rap song for our EasterSeals Disability Short BIPOLAR BUDDIES VS BUDDIES WITH BIPOLAR.

Here’s the deal about that short: I looked so rough cuz I was less than six weeks out from being what I call “homeless light.” Yes. I couch surfed. And I also stayed at Motel 6 in Inglewood. So, it can’t count as real homelessness cuz my family helped me to have enough resources. As Motel 6 has maid service, it doesn’t count for real homelessness. I was incredibly lucky. All the staff was beyond helpful and kind. I also stayed briefly deep in North Hollywood until I found transitional housing deep in South Central. I had roosters for neighbors. And the “ice cream” truck would be out looooooooooong after dark. I stayed there while I worked on my divorce until my roommate was murdered. He was shot 14 times along with a guy shot 16 times. There was also a brief stint at the psych ward in all this since my system was overloaded. I told you about my focus groups for my film company.

After finding out that I could finish my divorce online, I returned to Montana cuz I really missed my family. My sister Heidi was helping me with all my divorce paperwork and talking me through my anxiety. And my sister Kim let me stay in her extra apartment in the same building with my mom and her other apartment. My dad and his new wife (girlfriend at the time) helped financially and talked about silly stuff. This is true about my mom. I also expected her to come to Los Angeles and drop kick a crappy hospital that triggered me more than helped me. Never forget: My mom is a fighter. This is also true of my dad, Kim, and Heidi.

She also helped get a job waiting tables at active senior center with memory care. I did a brief stint at Montague Jewelers where I learned about diamonds. I’m now at Heidi’s store Paris Montana where Paris flair meets Montana sensibilities. The Red Lodge store also has the Montana version of “Build a Bear.” It’s build a cowboy hat at a hat bar.

I also want to say something really important: I’ll always love Richard even though we’re a terrible couple. I pray that he gets the life that he wants. If you ever doubt the capacity of Richard’s heart? Just watch the movie he wrote and produced with me.

I also had some friends that helped me when I was at my lowest. As I was all over the place, I know it was hard to be my friend.

This turned out much longer than I ever intended. Except I have nothing to hide. This moment to me reminds me of a favorite moment in 8 Mile when Eminem laid it all out there. I’ll also put it out there: I read “Sic” by Henry Rollins just before I left my marriage and completing my level three breathwork electives. As the electives let my trauma loose when I test drove all the exercises, it comingled with that books. Brutal combination. I wouldn’t suggest it. EXCEPT it help me blow through all my own stuff if I hadn’t. Bottom line: I’ll always unconditionally love and be grateful to such an incredible person showing that you can chase your dreams despite being a dumpster fire. It showed me that I can do it too. And the way that he talks about the squirrels at his place? You can tell he’s a big softy despite his tough guy image. Sure.

You may think this is crazy except it tells me a whole helluva lot more about the capacity of your heart than mine. I have unconditional love for everyone in here along with everyone in the whole wide world for one simple reason: The world is too big. And I am too small to just be here for myself.

Yes. I believe this is the longest blog post ever. Okay. That’s maybe melodramatic. But it’s been exhausting being so serious for so very long. Cuz my real healing began when I started to laugh.

And YES!! I finally said all I need to say before I get back to my websites and all my other fun stuff. I can’t wait to share them all with you. I’m beside myself with joy.

Funny side note that I realized that I forgot to include: I was having night terrors during the day and couldn’t sleep. That’s why I put myself in the hospital. I said IF I DON’T SLEEP, I will kill myself. They thought I was suicidal. And they followed up during my commitment hearing. I told them that I couldn’t possibly take the pressure of a suicide note cuz it’d be the last thing that I ever write. I thought that was pretty funny. As no one in the hearing would look at me for a few moments after I said that? I’m pretty sure they thought it was funny too. Another fun suicide joke? I can’t possibly kill myself cuz I wouldn’t know what to wear.

Have a glamorous day on purpose!!

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