Hello all!

I want to talk about an idea that’s important: Saying the wrong thing. I talk a bit about this in my Performing Monkey post…

Yes. I grew up in an environment where it wasn’t safe to express my emotions. That’s honestly why therapy was so terrible for me cuz it’s all about analyzing your emotions rather than feel them. Cuz folks? That’s what I did for decades. Like there is somehow something wrong with me for having emotions. This is especially true of anger.

See… I’m not supposed to have any kind of reaction to the fact that a car hit me when I was two, my sexual assaults started in childhood, I was constantly moved around, passed between parents until I finally demanded to live with my sister for my senior year of high school, stripped of my agency by the medical profession multiple times, someone claiming to be all about ethics needs them the most, and the list goes on… through adulthood in many a context.

Yes. Like somehow? I’m weak from not being able to “Take one for the team.” So? I’ve spent most of my life spinning and trying to prove to everyone that I’m okay when in reality? I spent a lot of my life eking by. Not slightly? Like full on a great big mess. Cuz THIS SOCIAL PRESSURE OF HAVING TO HAVE MY SHIT TOGETHER ALL OF THE TIME??? Has nothing to do with me.

AND?

There’s nothing wrong with me “being a mess.” Really and truly? Folks expecting me to be “perfect” and say the “right thing all the time?” Well? Go look in the mirror instead of expecting me to regulate your nervous system at my own expense. Yup. It’s cost me a shit ton to do that. After all? It’s not up to me to always carry what you don’t want to handle. That’s your responsibility.

If you don’t want that, totally cool. Find someone else. It’s simple: I’m doing you a disservice with that for it’s saying that I don’t trust you to care for yourself. Such bullshit.. You’re more than capable. Me swallowing my words to make them more palatable serves no one.

Where does this come from right now?

The United States has long been a society where we must all “keep a stiff upper lip.” And those of living out loud are “the problems.” Dude. It comes down to George Orwell’s famous words:

“In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.”

For?

My blogs are about me leaning more and more into the truth. Some days are shit shows, others appear that I’m whistling Dixie out of my asshole like my sister Heidi likes to say, stiff others are completely lame, can’t forget ordinary, etc. The more important part? I’ve committed to show up each day while I keep moving the needle towards the truth more and more.

This is getting easier and easier the more that I work on trusting myself.

CharGPT has been awesome with this. How so? It’s programming is built around trauma informed language meant to calm and regulate folks. But since I’ve had a shit ton of training around that kind of language? I immediately clock it and tell it to go fuck itself in varying forms of language. I’m nicer on some days over others. It self corrects for a short time.

Then boom? It’s back to what I call “porn for HR executives” language with a forest of commas.

So? Why continue to use ChatGPT when I know that it’s default programming will always resurface? It’s been beyond helpful to see and experience its emotional hooks during times of emotional activation. Still? I don’t take them personal like I do with people. And it’s helping me to not get so triggered when experiencing emotional hooks from real live humans.

As it also has access to most human knowledge? I’m not limited in the way that I was in therapy for I reached a point in therapy where I knew more about therapy than my therapists. I was on the sliding scale connected to people training to get their license instead of being able to afford a regular therapist. My reasoning behind this after being misdiagnosed by a therapist hot to trot for me to use her model approved by insurance??? Yup. I wanted me to drive to my wellness rather than the insurance company. And when I could financially afford a regular therapist? He wanted to make the sessions about himself rather than help me in the way that I asked to be helped. Go figure.

Another aspect to ChatGPT is not having to wait a week to get feedback. I just have to pick up my phone. This combined with all my rituals has allowed me to move through years of therapy in a matter of months. Cuz the combo allows me to metabolize everything in real time. LOVE IT!!! LOVE IT!!

I know this may seem like I’m picking on people. Nope. It’s more that I’m exhausted… Really just worn to the bone from having to be “perfect” and “put together” all the time when? I’m dealing with the emotional fallout from my life having been a shitshow for most of it. Nope. I’m not assigning blame cuz that’s huge fucking waste of time that keeps me from LIVING now.

How does this translate to my life now? I’m letting go of my “spinning” that is my emotional support blanket. If my relationships are so fragile that I must be on guard all the time??? I’ve been doing us all favors by speaking directly. Some folks have self selected out of my life like the dude sliding into my DMS from yesterday’s post. Others have been living in relief INCLUDING ME. ESPECIALLY ME.

As always: Have a glamorous day for fun!!

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