Hey all!

Blog post two!

So… I had an awesome conversation with my sister Heidi about my recent blog outpouring. She loves to know what I’m thinking except she gets lost in the weeds when I start talking plans.

I absolutely see her point cuz it could be confusing to track my blogs while keeping my plans straight with so many irons in the fire.

Here’s the deal: I’m housesitting in the middle of nowhere. Absolutely cool. I dreamed of this kind of silence when I was living in Los Angeles near the 10 Freeway. God! That was so incredibly noisy with constant car crashes cuz I was next to the Crenshaw exit.

But dude? I’m over this much silence for I have nothing to quiet the steam engine that is my mind. Except God bless it! I truly feel like I’ve reached a new level of peace with it: I’m ready to let it run!

Why not sooner? Two sets of shackles and six orderlies pinning me down to shove medication down my throat had a lasting effect. I know! I know! I know! Enter whining even if it’s true.

But then… Who do folks tend to trust? The an afraid person acting out in unexplainable ways or the “authority like the hospital staff in this case?” Me – 0. Hospital staff – home run with the judge.

And even in heavy psychosis? I stood up in my unlined floral dress to tell the judge that he wasn’t half the man that he thought he was when he listened to the hospital staff to send me back to that Hell Hole.

My approach after? I studied their system for a minute to discover that they were a bureaucracy. It meant that I could leave once I demonstrated that I could follow their rules. Worked like a charm. I was able to walk myself home when all is said and done in 2006. I’ve missed exactly one dose since then. Not a bad track record for just short of 20 years.

You’d think having my med track record that I manage my bipolar perfectly according to the medical model. You know all those commercials that assure you that popping a pill is the only solution?

Nope. That’s only PART of the solution. If you eat like crap or don’t sleep or get enough water or keep your mind disconnected from your body or carry boatloads of unprocessed trauma?

Medication can only do so much. And it may not be the best answer for everyone. It comes down to working with your body to find the best solution. Cuz it’s best to be proactive in your self-care rather than blindly outsource your agency.

Why did I write this out? As someone with bipolar disorder and complex PTSD? Med hygiene is almost always part of the conversation.  Cuz I’m sure there may be some conversation around me “being off my meds” since I let my mind wander to wherever the Hell it wanted in this sojourn.

Yes. I’ve had some word salad. My mind has also been considering possibilities. And I’ve finally been able to download the good, the bad, the ugly, and the old idea from Ricky Gervais: “I should have left it.”

My conclusion? The steaming pile of shit that I’ve been telling myself about myself? Was an utter complete waste of my time. As my sister Kim’s favorite character Stuart Smalley would say?

I’m done “shoulding” on myself.

Have a most magnificent day on purpose!!

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