So typical of myself: I decide I’m done with a topic? The real insights hit me like a shit ton of bricks.

A common narrative? I’ve got piles of trauma. This must mean that I’m deep and special. Countless movies are built around this narrative. Me? I bought it hook, line, and sinker. Cuz I know someone’s pain doesn’t define their character. And least that’s what I’ve long thought that I was doing:

Offering up my own trauma to let people know that they’re not alone. Cuz it’s true: Most people have some sort of trauma. Anyone thinking anyone gets a pass is in for a rude awakening if they’re willing to see it. This is the performing monkey part: Was I throwing that all out there for real healing or just being performative? After all… There is so much incredible pressure to share everything with everyone these days. I’ve always been of the belief that no one person’s pain is more valid than anyone else: pain is pain.

Except cuz I know pain is awful. I almost always throw myself in the line of fire to care for everyone BUT ME. I also consciously put myself into bad situations to help others. Talk about idiotic. This is especially when they don’t want it. Yup. This added to my trauma load rather than help since everyone has agency.

Bigger question towards my artistry? I have no idea. BUT BUT BUT I’m glad this popped open now cuz it’s hitting me how heartbreaking it was to live in darkness for so long. EXCEPT? I was always a bright light even on my darkest of days. And it’s my story of going from my darkness to my joy is how I came up with my darkness and joy production company. So exciting!!

I also just woke up to an important idea that I plan to think about more? Being out in the open with everyone versus hiding our relative being out in the open. I’ve caught up in a long term situation where I felt groomed. And I realized this was that person’s strategy.  It may or may not  be conscious. And it’s no longer my concern.

• Uncategorized