Hello!

I’ve started to study Alison Armstrong to better understand how men operate. A thing that she talks about is the idea of ethics – people struggle with them when they have them. People without them don’t give a shit. This is also true about things like shame.

And since a lot of my trauma was sexual? This doubled down on my shame on multiple levels – sex is still fairly taboo in American culture. My sexual trauma happened multiple times. So? I saw myself as weak and fucked up since I allowed those to continue to happen. Like how could I be so stupid? As this was so unsettling to me, I felt over exposed for so long. I would often tell men at the beginning of our dating about all that I had endured.

My mom pointed out something important: This lets the new men know that I tolerate abuse making it acceptable for them to mistreat me. The thought that just occurred to me… They could also be thinking: What will she say about me? Will I be considered a rapist or bad guy too? This is where I take responsibility for setting abuse as my standard rather than love. And I believe that’s a big reason why I kept in that loop: it was an unconscious expectation that I set up it – BOOM!!! Yup.

Cuz a huge consequence coming out of me doing the 100 conscious connected breathwork sessions and the sex magic ritual 105 times? It woke me up to so many of my unconscious patterns. Talk about a huge gift. Cuz not only do I have shame around my sexual trauma? I also have shame around my own sexuality…

How could something with the potential feel so good cause so much pain? Emily Nagoski, PhD. goes explains in her amazing book Come as You Are about how thinking of sex as being a “drive” that it has that power. EXCEPT???? You won’t die if you don’t have sex in the same way that if you stop breathing. But wrapping the idea of being a “drive” gives it an allowance that it doesn’t deserve: “I can’t help myself cuz it’s my drive.” Nope. That’s an excuse for bad behavior and be extractive about sex instead of the far better approach: Consent and uplifting.

Another major theme discussed in her book is understanding that normal around women’s sexuality and also men’s sexuality than commonly thought: Sexuality is not like widgets where the same thing is mass produced. Each of us is unique to where we all fall within an umbrella rathe than that “one size fits all approach.”

She has other valuable themes that I will explore in other blogs. I want to get back to the topic of shame.

See… I had a conversation yesterday with someone yesterday where I was not agreeing with them. And they tried several tactics to get compliance until they used shame at the end. That one question had collapsed everything that I had just explained into one condensing point question rolled out for the grand finale: I surely was only making a decision due to a man. As that person pointed out about how good they were to leave it to the end? This comes across as that person purposefully sitting on that information to use it for a “gotcha” question.

And when I tried to explain this last night? I did a crappy job cuz it had been a tough day yesterday. For that person dug in instead of acknowledging their part. I did an intake for a new psych doctor. This is highly activating in that I have no idea what’s going to happen cuz I have some real crappy experiences with the medical establishment. I talk about in my blog about meds.

And this person tried to get me to buy into their definition of my connection with that man instead of allowing me to have my own definition. This is what I talk about in my blog post about theevils of paraphrasing. This is saying that I must have their approval with how I define that relationship. Like I’m a child in need of coddling. When in truth? I have don’t have to define that relationship or lack there of or somewhere in or any connection or anywhere in between for anyone. And thinking that I do things solely for a man? Dude. I’m single by choice.

Cuz really? This person’s handling of this situation isn’t about me. It’s about them and their stuff. Here’s that the deal – Waking up to my own unconscious patterns is what allowed me to see this. Cuz I have confidence I can name this pattern so clearly? I’ve absolutely done it myself. So? This isn’t about being self-righteous: I’m holding up a mirror for discussion. I’m also working stripping emotional hooks out of my language and not speaking for others. This is a hard lesson to learn since it’s so common within society – that’s honestly why I hate identity politics for it gives power to one person to speak for all persons within that group. Ugh.

I’m going to get ready for my last day of orientation for my Vita Coaching Classes through Layla Martin. Absolutely wonderful material so far! I’ll post an update next week after I’ve had time to digest this week’s content. EXCEPT? I’ll say that I found the right program for me. It’s AWESOME!!

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