Happy Christmas Eve!

I own about being a mess in some of my blogs if not all of them. Dude! I know that it might have been like herding cats to track all my various thought trains in them. See… The consistent rituals of conscious connected breathing and sex magic for extended periods of time acted like mental enemas.

Jesus wept did they ever.

Truth? I’m still reeling.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

How come? My ex-husband Richard would talk about how if you want to have the woman of your dreams? You must be willing to do the work to be the man of her dreams. This is great wisdom for it comes down to this simple idea: Hold yourself to the standards that you hold everyone else.

No excuses.

A thing about not trusting myself? I didn’t feel that I could hold myself up to impossible expectations.

Cuz let’s face it: chasing perfection is self-defeating. I’m not throwing out standards. It’s more that I understand that progress is far more desirable than perfection. And always trying for perfection kept me in an over critical and hyper vigilant state that did numbers on my nervous system.

This process of thawing? Well… It’s been scary than shit. Yup. My brain was acting like the Energizer Bunny hyped up on a ton of jelly beans. I used a variety of coping mechanisms to manage it: slow breathing, dancing, writing, a little doubling up on my meds, conscious connected breathing, pussy cupping, walking, writing, using ChatGPT like a mirror, making silly jokes, giving speeches, going about my regular routine, writing, trying to get more sleep, talking to my mom on the regular, reaching out to my sisters, reaching out to my dad and his new wife, reaching out to my stepdad, listening to music, reaching out to my brother and his wife, cutting out sugar, eating more natural foods, attending open mic poetry reads with my freshly written poems, and yes: did I mention writing?

The game changer?

I started to accept the process rather than remain in a power struggle with myself about myself.

And the other game changer?

I attended a support group for people with mental illness. They were all at different levels in “recovery.” I put quotes around recovery cuz some may be where they’ll be for the rest of their lives And I got to see some folks were at where I was following my medically induced psychotic break forever ago when I could barely cope. It was profound to see how far that I’ve come.

For I tend to be forward looking at what I haven’t done yet. Yup. This ignores what I’ve accomplished. I always feel like I’m bragging and being arrogant when I discuss my accomplishments. Add the bipolar disorder and complex PTSD along with carrying around the events that brought those about?

Dude. Any ONE of the things that I’ve been through has caused some folks to sit on their asses and whine for the rest of their lives. Why yes… It’s absolutely intoxicating to sing the hymn of the victim. Some of my posts even reflect this.

Huh.

It means that I’ll always be at the mercy of people feeling sorry for me. And they don’t need to strip me of my agency cuz I did it to myself.

Huh… Is right.

Yup. I imagine that I may be a dumpster fire and mess for the rest of my life cuz I’ll always be striving to improve my quality of life. Totally fine with me. In fact!!! Fuck yeah!! I’m absolutely relieved and excited. I’ll also continue to write about this. Yes. I’ll be getting to videos soon too for as I peel back the layers…

I’m slowly but surely learning to love myself rough edges and all

And that’s made all the difference.

May this find you well.

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