My trip to El Paso turned out to be both a bust and good. I got food poisoning when I first got there. It’s funny how I tend to purge when in El Paso. But I guess that’s how I roll as my friend Sarah would say. And I wasn’t miserable when I was sick. In fact, I felt happy. It was like a literal release. My mind did it the first time and my body did it the second time. I also burned a list of places and ideas that needed to be released.
I’m still processing what all of this means since I’ve been living with my time in El Paso for a long ass time. It’s much longer than I’d cared to admit. But I’ll admit it just the same: I went bat shit crazy in Texas. The staff at the hospital shackled me twice and six orderlies pinned me down another time. I’ll be honest that I felt a sense of disconnect when I looked at the place where this happened last week.
A funny thing about that place is that I did what I could to help others get out when I was there. I was so successful that that hospital is no longer in business. I was beyond lucky that I had health insurance through my university. This saved me from having to go to the Texas state hospital. I’m not saying this because I think that it’s a bad place. I’ve just learned from working in social services that people needing services significantly outnumber available resources.
The drive back to Los Angeles took much longer than I had originally planned. And I’m working out what all of this means. But I’m clear on the fact that I feel free from that first part of my life. I’m about to have a massive birthday: Yup! I’m going to turn 50. I’m so freaking out about it because I don’t understand how it happened. Okay. I do logically. Still 50? Fucking 50!?!
Mom and Dave will appreciate that I got myself some Albertson’s chicken when I got back. It’s what Mom used to buy for Dave and me when she attended the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) “Family to Family” class. This is a class taught by family members of people with mental illness for other family members of people with mental illness. I also took it at later date. It’s an amazing resource if know someone struggling with understanding how mental illness impacts relatives.
I’ll write another blog post about it. It’s just that I wanted to give an update. More to follow soon because I’ll be making some major announcements soon.